SPECIAL SUBMISSION:
Closer to whenever but 20
by Shifra Ayudhya (2024)
I may be turning 20 next year, but I’m closer to feeling like whenever I was throughout my 19
years of living but 20. I still feel the same humiliation I felt when I was 9 as my teacher pointed
out that I couldn’t walk straight without the biggest amount of evident hesitation and fear in front
of my classmates. I still remember the feeling of 32 pairs of eyes staring at how I walked wobbly,
making sure I stayed in line. I still shake and bite my nails the same way as I saw my teacher
walk confidently on the line formed by the straight lined tiles on the floor.
I still get the same joy as my 4 year old self whenever I get stickers for free as I consider them
as tokens. I still feel the same giddiness over the overflowing thoughts on where I could stick
them only to end up hoarding all of them, stuffing them up in an unused box that was also once
used to store mementos by my mom and storing it away in a bookshelf filled with old
magazines.
I still feel the same guilt from when I was 6 for not knowing what time dhuhr starts as I had to
answer it in an oral test for religion class as two of my other friends stood next to me waiting for
their turn to answer. It’s the same guilt I still hold for not having the best relationship with faith as
I question it ever since I started having to learn my given religion.
I still feel like the coolest person ever whenever I listen to Sophie Xeon and it’s the same feeling
as when I first found out about hyperpop when I was 14.
I still feel the same need to script small chit chat I will have in important events, preparing
possible conversations I would have to endure the same way I scripted possible conversations
that could’ve happened on my first day of high school when I was 15.
I still suck at reading maps, navigating ways and answering which capital city of each country
the same way as when I was 13 as I got a 60 on my geography test.
I still lose my focus easily and end up questioning the attention span I have for anything with the
same frustration I had when I was 12 as I questioned why I lose focus more easily as I get older.
I still believe that it is not best to leave me alone with only myself as I realize how fast I get to
hating everything about myself when I’m left alone with my thoughts. It’s the same hatred I had
when I was 10 as I used to quickly criticize how my body looked in the mirror.
I still feel the same sense of satisfaction when I draw silly little doodles the same way I did when
I was 5 during my drawing extracurricular.
I still feel the same feeling of pride when I survived another year but especially to the same one
when I turned 16th on my birthday, thinking I would’ve ended everything on my 15th.
I still feel the same fondness for video calls as it was the only way I was able to talk to my friend
when we were still 11, not knowing it will also become our only way of communication now too.
I still feel the same uneasiness when I have to multiply numbers the same way when I was
struggling to multiply numbers manually in a math test when I was 7 to the point where my
teacher came up to me to tell me I should’ve memorized the whole multiplication table instead,
realizing I will flunk my test.
I still feel the same way about not being able to trust myself with holding glassware as I still
have the same clumsiness as my 8 year old self, the age where my hand dropped a plate onto
the floor as I lost its grip from my hands. I remember how it shattered and how it formed this
belief that I should not be handling any important glassware from that day forward.
I still feel the same way when I enter my bedroom after a long day as I have always did ever
since I was 17, the same dread that I will collapse onto the bed and lose bodily function for the
whole night without being able to move a single bone in my body to even clean or feed myself
before going to bed.
Lastly, I still feel the same way about aging when I was 18. Fully acknowledging that I will turn
19 and be closer to turning 20 than any age I ever lived, I still don’t feel that different from when
I was 17,16,15,14,13,12,11,10,9,8,7,6,5, and 4. I believe that I will never fully turn 18 as I am
built over the same guilt I had when I was 6, the same humiliation I felt when I was 9, and the
same joy I felt when I was 5. I hope to have constructed myself into a secure form of what a 20
year old self would be with the past versions of myself stuck onto me, as I feel closer to
whenever but 20.
